August 17, 2010

So, it was totally awkward, the whole wheelchair thing leaving the hospital. I told them that I could walk, but apparently it was a policy. It was embarrassing though, wheeling through the hospital with Jasper and Alice following afterwards with all the flowers and balloons; we were like a little mini parade of pink and white, and I hated attention like that.

Jasper had pulled the car up to the curb so it was waiting for us, Mary’s new carseat installed in the back. She looked so tee-tiny in this huge contraption with the bumpers all around her. I was momentarily overcome with the reality of my situation, but Alice put her hand on me, knowing I was freaking out on the inside.

“Hey…it’s okay. Family, remember?” she said with a smile.

I took a deep breath, settling my racing heart and thoughts, “Yeah, I remember. It’s just so weird, you know?”

“Yes, but you are going to be a great momma,” and she leaned in and gave me a kiss.

o * o * o

Everyone came over again, bringing dinner and stuff for my freezer. I was overwhelmed, knowing I wouldn’t have to cook for a month. It was amazing they would do all this for me, and I felt a little guilty.

Family.

I thought the word over and over again in my head as they were gathering their stuff to leave.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?” Alice asked. Rosalie had offered the same thing, but I shook my head. I needed to do this on my own, get through my first night just so that I would know I could do it, plus they had busy lives, their own issues to deal with.

“Nah, it’s all good, really. Besides, you have to work tomorrow, you need your sleep.”

I can do this, I can do this, I chanted to myself as I hugged Alice and sent her out the door, tamping down my urge to call her back.

I shut the door and turned around. My little house was in such disarray; wrapping paper and ribbon everywhere. Rosalie had brought more clothes, I swear there weren’t enough days in the week for Mary to wear everything. At least I wouldn’t have too much laundry to do, if she got something dirty, I’d just put something new on her. I started picking stuff up and tidying, I only got the living room cleaned up before I had rush to the bathroom. Thank God Rose had given me the 411 on the after effects of having a baby, I never would have known to buy stock in Always with wings.

I checked on Mary again and dragged her car seat into the bathroom so she could sit there while I took a shower. I let the water cleanse me of the hospital smell and changed into my favorite pajamas, dragging Mary with me everywhere I went, like I wouldn’t be able to hear her if she cried in my little house. I was thrilled to be home, I hated hospitals, they reminded me of Mom and Dad’s accident.

I was exhausted. I laid down on the sofa and closed my eyes and not two minutes later I heard Mary cry. At least I got my shower, I thought to myself getting back up and picking her up.

Thankfully, nursing came easy to me. Rose had been coaching me because she had had such a hard time getting Jared to latch on. She warned me about everything, but Mary and I had gotten the hang of it pretty quickly. I laid back down on the sofa so that Mary could nurse and I would watch some television.

I thought about all the things I had read in the books as I stared at Mary, enjoying the closeness. Who knew that they could develop allergies to stuff if they ate it too soon? Stuff like honey or peanut butter or certain fruits. It was a whole new world and I was determined to do it right and on my own, and for now I was just happy I didn’t have to worry too much about what she ate, just how much.

o * o * o

Mary started screaming, waking me up in the process. I was so groggy, and tried to focus. I had put her back down in her bassinet, having read not to sleep with her and crashed back on the couch taking the ‘sleep when the baby sleeps’ advice to heart. Now she was screaming and I rushed over to her, picked her up and rocked and rocked. She settled a little bit, but not much. Maybe she was hungry? That didn’t seem likely as I had just nursed her a half hour ago, but I tried again. She nursed for a little bit, but seemed so uncomfortable, stiffening up and arching her back.

I was freaking out and wanted to call Rosalie, but it was three in the morning. Who the Hell was I gonna call?

Edward.

Where was that damn card? I had put it in my wallet, not wanting to take a chance on losing it. But would he be at work? He’d said to call anytime because he was used to strange hours. I debated, how weird was this, calling him? But honestly, he was a doctor, if something was wrong, he’d be able to tell me, right?

I compromised and texted him. That way, if he was asleep, I hopefully wouldn’t wake him, but if he were awake, he’d get it.

911, Mary’s screaming and I don’t know why. Any advice?

I purposely downplayed it because I didn’t want him thinking I didn’t know what I was doing. After I’d sent it, I realized he may not recognize the number, but hopefully he’d remember Mary’s name and think of me.

I felt my phone vibrate – good thing because Mary’s crying was so loud I couldn’t hear it ring – I was beginning to get a little scared and glad I had made the decision to ask him. Sliding it open so I could read the message, I was so relieved to see it was him.

Is this Bella? Do you want me to come check her out?

Yes, please. I texted back, and then quickly sent him my address, hoping he had GPS in his car.

Okay, I’m just leaving the hospital, I’ll be right there.

Now I felt guilty, he was probably exhausted. Mary let out another cry and I stopped feeling guilty, I just laid her down on the floor and laid with her, trying to talk to her, trying to get her to keep her pacifier in her mouth while I watched her stiffen up, I was almost in tears not knowing what to do.

Thankfully he was there in less than fifteen minutes. I opened the door before he’d walked in, knowing he might be nervous that he’d gotten the wrong house and he headed straight for the sink to wash his hands. Just like a doctor. He observed her for a little bit, took in her stiffening and picked her up, turned her on her tummy over his knee. She let out a huge burp and instantly stopped crying.

I felt like a complete idiot.

He picked her back up and put her on his shoulder, bouncing lightly as he did and she burped a few more times. He looked so at ease, so natural and I was such a mess. I burst into tears and put my head down on my knees. God, I was so stupid. Why didn’t I think to do that? I thought being a mom was a natural thing.

He laid Mary down gently in her bassinet and came over to me.

“Bella, what’s wrong?” he asked, sitting on the floor in front of me. He was still wearing his scrubs from the hospital and had hospital smell clinging to him.

“God, I’m sorry, I’m such an idiot.” I sniffled.

“Why would you say that? It isn’t like they come with directions or anything, you’re doing fine,” he reassured, he’d put his hand on my knee. It burned. After a few seconds, he took it off awkwardly. I wondered if it burned him too.

“Well, how come you know so much?” I asked. He was an anesthesiologist, not a pediatrician for God’s sake.

“I did some of my medical school training at Children’s Hospital, so I learned a lot about newborns and babies and kids,” he shrugged. “She just had a little gas, and in her tiny tummy, it’s really uncomfortable for them.”

“Well, I tried to get her to burp, but she wouldn’t do it, so I figured she didn’t need to. I didn’t know you could put them across your knees like that,” I said.

“Yeah, that was something I saw one of the older nurses do. It helps to push the air bubble out,” he said with a smile. “But you should also be careful about what you eat, stuff like broccoli and milk and onions can affect the breast milk and give them colic.”

Crap. I’d had all three things at dinner that night. I started crying again, which made me mad, why was I crying so much?

“What’s wrong?” he asked, his face full of concern. He reached out his hand to touch me again, but he pulled it back. I would have loved to feel his hand on my hair, but he seemed torn.

“I’m just not sure I’m cut out for this,” I whispered. “I don’t even know what I’m doing!”

“You’ll be fine, you’re doing a great job already, she’s perfect,” he said, picking her back up and looking at her. “Why don’t you go get in bed and I will sit out here with her, do you mind if I crash on your couch for a little bit?”

Realistically, I had known Edward for four days. Letting him hold my baby and sleep on my couch was probably not a good judgement call on my part, but honestly, I felt so comfortable with him and I was so exhausted I wanted to say yes. I hesitated though, wavering between the thought of sleep and my good sense.

He sensed my hesitation. “How about you sleep on the couch, and I’ll rock her in the chair. Get a few hours and then we can switch places, she’ll have to nurse again soon anyway. Is that an okay compromise?”

“Yes,” I said. “Thank you.” I was unable to explain myself and was relieved that he understood.

I woke up a few hours later and looked over at where Edward was sprawled out in the glider rocker, Mary upright and asleep on his chest; it was almost six in the morning. They looked so peaceful together.

My boobs were really uncomfortable, I guess my milk was coming in; Rosalie said they would get huge. Great. I needed to nurse. I got up, hit the bathroom and came back to them and gently pulled Mary off of Edward, rousing him in the process.

“Hey, go lie on the couch, I’ll take over,” I whispered.

He stumbled over and crashed, pulling the duvet I’d been using over himself and fell back asleep. Mary latched on without any difficulty and managed to relieve some of the pressure for me. I burped her properly this time and put her back in the bassinet before going to the kitchen to make some breakfast.

I was famished.

Laying in bed thinking of my date with Edward as the clock ticked later and later all that kept running through my mind was how he never denied he was a vampire. If anything, he seemed to encourage it, without coming right out to say it. He told me of their strange eyes, and how difficult it was to not feed from me even then, but my mind simply wouldn’t accept it. It was too surreal, too fantastic. Then again, so was he.

It would explain why he was so cold, so hard, and so fast. How else would he have caught up with me, not once, but twice? Why else would he have been in the woods? But then why did they own a home, drive a car or attend school? Much less medical school?

The questions roiled in my mind like a tornado, blasting away the security of my world and what I knew of it. I gave a small shiver in the chill of the night air, my hair still damp from washing out the sulphurous water of the hot springs. As I pulled the blankets tighter around me, both missing the warmth of the water and the chill of his body that warmed me in a way I had never experienced before, I heard a tapping on the window.

That’s odd I thought to myself. The tree was far enough away to make it unlikely that the branches weren’t scraping it, and I was on the second floor, so it’s not like anyone could reach it. Looking again it was in time to see it slide open slowly, a long-fingered white hand pushing it out of the way as Edward’s face appeared over the jamb.

A scream lodged in my throat. In that moment he looked exactly like what he led me to believe he was. His skin was luminescent, reflecting the low light around him, and his eyes burned as he lifted himself effortlessly over the sill, landing lightly in my room.

Scrambling back in the bed toward the headboard my lungs sucked in a huge amount of air, as if they could let forth a scream despite the constriction of fear in my throat. In an instant he was beside me, one hand over my mouth as the other wrapped about my waist, pulling me toward him. “Don’t be afraid,” he whispered, his voice barely louder than the hint of a breeze. “I won’t hurt you, I swear.”

My pent up breath released in a shuddering moan of fear as I tried to slow my racing heart. “You didn’t scream when you woke to find me driving you, why are you afraid now?” he asked, amusement lacing the frustration in his tone.

“I didn’t know what you were then,” I mumbled against his hand, causing him to chuckle lightly and remove it.

“And you trust a strange man kidnapping you and your car more than a vampire climbing in your window?” Amusement was winning over the frustration this time, but only because the frustration was being replaced by confusion.

“You have to admit your entrance was like something out of horror movies,” I accused him. With that he threw his head back in a seemingly carefree and boisterous laugh, for all that it was almost perfectly silent. All of the mystery and malevolence of him disappeared in that moment, evaporating my fear instantaneously.

Tapping me on the tip of my nose with one long finger he continued to chuckle as he replied. “I thought you would be asleep, but when I heard you tossing and turning I had to see what was wrong.” Sitting up his face became blank. “Are you afraid of me, Bella? Say the word and I’ll never bother you again.”

Then passion lit up his eyes as he leaned back in close to me, his lips barely hovering over mine. “Or say the word and I’ll stay forever.”

I have no idea what drove me to whisper what I did. Perhaps it was his honey scent, clouding my brain and driving me wild with desire. Without thinking I answered him, “Stay.”

With a growl his lips captured mine as he pushed me down into the mattress with his body. My arms reached up around his torso, pulling him closer, pulling me up. His cold body electrified me, making my blood boil under my skin, and all I wanted was to consume and be consumed.

Just as quickly as it had begun it was over. He held my face just inches away from his own, not moving, not breathing, eyes closed. When I tried to move he hissed. “Stay very still,” his growling voice washed over me, only it was impossible to halt my own breathing.

A few moments later he relaxed slightly and opened his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m afraid I almost lost control.”

“Would that have been a bad thing?” I asked, thinking that was what we were both doing.

He gave me a wry smile. “As it would have ended with you bitten, yes, it would have been a very bad thing. I have yet to be granted this leave by the wolves.”

I stared at him, incredulous, for a moment, before laughter began to bubble up in my throat. “The wolves? What, do they nod yes when you ask them a question?”

His wry smile changed to a guarded one. “Yes, they do, but I plan to talk with them in their human form to make this request. They already know of my interest in you, and understand it, since it is similar to their own imprinting.”

Now I was truly confused, and having his body pressed along the length of mine wasn’t conducive to cognizant thought. Pushing him away I sat up in the bed, startled when he mirrored my position in a flash. “Explain,” I demanded flatly.

Cocking his head to the side I could see comprehension dawn on his face. “You don’t know.”

“No, I don’t. How could I when you talk in circles?” My voice was flat even though I was growing quite annoyed.

“I’m afraid I can’t tell you,” he said. “But I think it’s time you went and visited your friend, Jacob.”

With flushed cheeks, and glazed eyes, I turned back towards Edward and he motioned for us to come over to their lawn. Well, who was I to refuse such an opportunity? Grabbing Lauren’s hand, I led her over to where the Cullen siblings were playing catch with a light red ball.

Edward waved at me, the corners of his mouth turning into a slight grin. I waved back, entirely too conscious of my blushing face.

As soon as we crossed over onto the Cullens’ lawn, Lauren tore free from my side and ran over to where Alice stood, leaving me alone with Edward. Granted, the girls were only a few steps away, still, it felt like Edward and I were encased in this little bubble of ours. I knew that at some point one of would have to break the silence, but I was reluctant to do so.

Eventually though, Edward took the initiative and introduced himself, as if I didn’t already know. Bu I didn’t say that out loud, afraid I would provide too much information. Instead I introduced myself in turn, to which he just replied, “I know”, indulging me with a glorious smile.

“So Bella, wanna play catch?” he asked me, his eyes twinkling. I wanted to accept his offer so bad, but I knew it wouldn’t be a wise decision. I did not need him to witness my clumsiness firsthand.

But I couldn’t refuse either, that would just be rude and I didn’t want Edward to think any less of me. As I struggled to make a decision, Alice ran back to Edward, snatched the ball from him and threw it to Lauren. I did a fist pump inwardly, thanking my lucky stars.

I saw Edward scowl lightly at his sister’s retreating from and hastened to recreate the previous atmosphere.

“Um, too late for that”, I said, gesturing towards the ball that was now at the mercy of Lauren.

“Pssh. You were just searching for an excuse to get out of interacting with balls”, Edward said, surprising me with his knowledge of my co-ordination problems.

As soon as he said it though, he blushed hard – his face flaming up, the tips of his ears tinged red. I wondered why, until the double entendre behind his sentence hit me. And then my traitor body went up in flames too, and I blushed like I had never before. We stood like that for a few minutes, avoiding each others’ eyes and just trying to overcome the awkwardness.

Thankfully Mrs. Cullen came to our rescue. “Honey, can you help me with this?” she called out to Edward, gesturing towards the tray, containing four glasses, she was carrying with one hand, the other clutching a pitcher of what looked like lemonade. Edward jogged to her and took the tray of glasses from her, while she poured a generous amount in each glass.

Mrs. Cullen called Lauren and Alice over to where she was and gave them each a glass, which they happily accepted. Then she walked over to me, Edward tagging along behind her with a glass of lemonade in each hand, and a small smile etched on his face.