August 21, 2010

I remember the day when I met him. I was at the beach, I was seven. I had been building a sand castle and he was running with his brothers down the shoreline. They weren’t watching where they were going and the one with bronze hair tripped and knocked over my beautiful creation. It’s still crystal clear in my memory:

I was so focused on the castle, I thought this was going to be the perfect one for sure. then mommy could take a picture and it would go on the fridge forever. I was putting the finishing touches on it, moving around some of the near by sand, when all of a sudden there was a bronze haired boy looking up at me.

I couldn’t help it, I wanted to be a big girl, but I just felt the need to cry. I started balling, “Mommy! He knocked it over!” I remember screaming at the top of my lungs until my mom came over and tried soothing me. She said simple things like, “it’ll be okay”, and “I’ll help you build another one.” None of that helped though, that one was perfect.

Then there was a tall man with blonde hair walking over. He was talking to my mom, but I’ve heard the stories a hundred times or more. He said something along the lines of, “I’m sorry,” and then he offered to buy my some crackerjacks, of course that made me feel a hundred times better.

Him and my mom talked while I enjoyed my treat and the three boys continued to play in the sand. I latter found out his name was Carlisle. My mother Esme decided he was an “amazing man” as she liked to call it and after a year of dating he proposed.

That’s how I found myself in my current situation of being sixteen and having a crush on my step-brother, Edward, who is seventeen. God help us all.

Edward raised an eyebrow and went back to reading.

“Edward.”

He looked at me. I looked at him. He put his architectural magazine down.

“What do you want? Ice cream?”

“Candy.”

“Lemonheads.” He nodded and stood, grabbing his keys.

It was two in the morning. The truck rumbled through the quiet neighborhood streets; even Berkeley was silent at this hour. These were some of my favorite moments with him, when
time was ours. Nothing to do, no one to see. Just being, alone and with each other.

Sometimes I wanted to hold his hand. But he wasn’t that type.

And that was okay.

We rode to the nearest CVS, which was open 24 hours.

Inside we roamed the aisles, making our way to the candy section. I loved stores in the middle of the night, the way the fluorescent lighting and soft elevator music made everything feel safe and cheery, how the emptiness created this illusion of intimacy, like we owned the place. It was open just for us.

Edward grabbed a bag of Lemon heads, then another. My mouth watered just looking at it. I took a couple of candy bars and we went to the lone cashier, who checked us out with
nary a glance.

Well, that isn’t true. She looked at Edward a few times but who wouldn’t? Even in the most mundane of circumstances he was something to look at.

In the car we ate candy and messed with the radio. His wry smiles at my excitement over good eighties tunes, my inner giddiness when he sang quietly along to love songs.

“So you’re leaving soon,” he said.

We’d parked up near Grizzly Peak. The lights of the Bay twinkled quietly, orange stars in an urban universe.

“Yeah.”

“You’re glad to go,” he stated, crunching a candy between his teeth.

“I have mixed feelings,” I admitted, unwrapping my Snickers.

“Why?”

I glared at him in the dark. “I’m happy to go home, see my parents and all that. I love Christmas. But there are people here I’ll miss.”

“Like who?” he teased. I could see him smiling, looking straight ahead.

“Like Rose. And my sociology professor,” I said, rolling my eyes.

He held out his hand for chocolate. “Rose is okay.”

I nodded. “I love Rose.”

“I didn’t like her at first – “

“Few people do.”

“–but I get her.”

“She’s sort of like you,” I realized, giving him my candy bar. “No nonsense.”

“Is that how I am?”

“Usually. When you’re not teasing me into admitting I’m going to miss you when I’m gone.”

His fingers were in my hair then, and he tugged me gently closer. I scooted across the seat and leaned against him, my heart expanding when I smelled his smell.

“You ever been skiing?” he asked, his breath warm and chocolate.

“I’m from the desert, Edward.”

“Okay, okay, no need to be touchy.”

“Oh, I can be touchy,” I purred, extra seductive and extra silly as I snuggled even closer.

“Mhm. Anyway, Riley and I are thinking of going to Lake Tahoe in January. We’re getting a group together. You should come.”

“I’d like to.”

“I can teach you to ski.”

“You’re good at it?”

“I’m good at everything,” he joked, grabbing my hand because he knew I’d pinch him otherwise.

“A real crackerjack on the slopes,” I simpered, earning a tickle.

“So we’ll go. When do you get back?”

“The second.”

“We’ll leave the third.”

He kissed the top of my head and I loved him.

–

My flight was December twenty third, at seven o’clock in the morning. This meant I had to be at the airport at the most ungodly of hours. Thanks, Mom.

As usual, Edward had to be up early that day anyway. I’d forced him to stay at my place for once. We were in bed; I was packed and dressed and ready. The cab had been called.

“I want you before I go,” I said, sitting up.

His eyes fluttered, wanting to close and not have to open. “Mkay.”

I unbuttoned his jeans and started yanking them down.

He lifted his hips, smiling sleepily.

“I want you on top.”

He shook his head. “Nope. You’re running the show.”

I took my jeans and panties off and straddled him, lowering down so I could kiss him. His hands tangled in my hair, then slid down my back so he was cupping my behind. We kissed and kissed and when I felt him get hard I sat back, watching him closely as I put him inside.

I waited for him to stop me, to put something on, but he didn’t. I was on the pill. We’d done the doctor thing, not together, but we’d done it. Still. I paused, giving him time to stop me. Our eyes met and he grabbed my waist, pulling me down so that we were together-together.

We loved slowly, lazily, until he sat up and turned us over so that he was over me. There was something extra sexy somehow about doing it half dressed, all sensations focused only on the places we were interlocked. Alice knocked on the door, saying the cab was there. Edward released into me with a quiet grunt, his rough fingers soft as he held my face, kissing me.

I called for Alice to stall the cab and I rushed to clean up, knowing we hadn’t chosen the best time to go bare.

Outside, it was freezing. The girls kissed ad hugged me at the door, Alice promising to call when she got in to Phoenix that night. Edward put my bags in the trunk and gave the driver money even though I had enough in my wallet.

“I’ll miss you,” I said. There was a lump in my throat. I wanted to hold it back until I was alone in the backseat, en route with headphones in my ears.

“I’ll miss you too, Bella.”

The drowsiness was gone from his face, his eyes were wide open and serious and so green. I remembered the first time I’d noticed their color, how almost-startling it had been.

He kissed me softly, running his tongue just barely against mine, something warm in the cold outside.

My mom hollered and Edward and I sprang apart and tried to busy ourselves with something to do at opposite ends of the kitchen.

My mother was no fool.

“Edward?” she inquired. “What are you doing here honey? We haven’t seen you in forever. Are you lost?”

She was toying with him and he actually blushed and said a quiet, “Hi Mrs. Swan.”

“I was giving Edward a ride home and he begged for a Jell-O parfait,” I explained, “But we’re done now. Ready to go?” I asked him, praying he’d say a quick yes before my mom did her normal interrogation bit.

“Yeah, I’ve got homework,” he answered. “Thanks for the parfait Mrs. Swan. They’re still awesome!”

“I’ll be right back Mom,” I said, ducking quickly out of the kitchen before she could respond.

We hurried out and were on our way in less than a minute.

“Do you wanna study?” he asked, his eyes alight with some interest that hadn’t been there before.

“No,” I said. “I’ve got to write a paper and I can’t really do a good job of it if I’m distracted.”

“And I distract you?” he asked, cracking a grin.

“Of course! You nag the heck out of me,” I said. “It’s annoying and I get nothing done.”

He pouted then. I was sure he thought I’d massage his ego with some mooney-eyed bit about how I couldn’t take my eyes off of him or something but what I said was true. Edward had the irritating habit of doing absolutely nothing that he was supposed to do but still coming out smelling like a rose. It was just another reason I wanted to put the brick in my lunch bag. I thought it might be kind of nice to see him humbled for once.

I was mad again. How could I want to kiss someone that I wanted to punish at the same time? I resented his golden life I guess. And why the heck would he be interested in me? What was he playing at?

“Come on Bella! Let’s just hang out for a little bit. My mom hasn’t seen you in ages and she’s always telling me how much she misses you; sort of like what your mom just did with me.” Did he look a little smug or was it my imagination?

“I’ll come in and say hi and let’s see what happens,” I relented.

I drove to Edward’s beautiful new house and parked my functionally rusty vehicle next to their sparkly brand-new ones. A little engine run-on was my way of announcing, “Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert!”

Esme, Edward’s mom, opened up the front door and welcomed me with open arms. She was one of those women who always had homemade popsicles and warm cookies when I played with Edward. She hugged me like she meant it and gushed about how grown-up I was.

I blushed furiously when she commented to Edward’s dad Carlisle how nicely I had turned out. It got absolutely unbearable for a minute when she said something about what a nice little shape I had.

I wanted to run screaming from the house in mortification.

Thankfully she changed the subject and offered me something to drink before asking if I was staying for dinner.

“Yes, you should stay Bella,” said Edward, the little rat fink.

“I’ll have to check with my mom,” I said, half-wanting and wishing she’d say no.

“Why don’t you kids go up to Edward’s room and check with your mom and I’ll check on you in a few minutes,” said Esme.

“Thanks,” I said. I turned and Edward and I started walking up to his room. He was looking at me and grinning like an idiot. “What?” I huffed.

“Why’re you so mad?” he asked.

“I should go,” I said. I really wanted to leave for some reason and I stopped on the stairs. I felt embarrassed and weird with Edward all of a sudden and going up to his room just seemed really odd.

“Are you sure?” he asked. He really sounded disappointed. How could that be?

“Yeah,” I said. “I know I won’t get my paper done and it’s due tomorrow,” I reasoned.

“Okay,” he said. We turned on the steps and he walked me back down to the door. “Bye Bella. Thanks for the ride.”

“You’re welcome,” I said. I turned and practically fled out the door. What in the hell was I supposed to do now? I couldn’t kiss him again and I didn’t know what else to do with myself.

I got home and furiously wrote my paper in one sitting. I was inspired and the words just flowed in an articulate and unstoppable manner until the whole thing was done.

Catharsis.

The next day I wondered what would happen at lunch. I sat at the table with my girlfriends and mentally planned what I would do if he fisted my lunch and what I would do if he didn’t. If he crushed my lunch I’d give him the cold shoulder. If he left my lunch alone, I’d consider him a changed man and accept the new direction of our relationship.

My lunch was sitting in its little brown bag in front of me. I took a swig of my chocolate milk as Edward sat down with his two best buds and waited for him to act out his routine. He did not disappoint.

He started with his usual annoying banter which I really thought was a thinly veiled attempt to be mean or cool or some other useless posturing and then as I reached for the bag, his heavy hand came down and squashed it.

Our eyes met and he didn’t move his hand. He stared at me for a second and I could feel it on my face: a look of utter betrayal and his eyes suddenly looked wild with fear. He knew he was wrong and I was so mad that I could feel the tears coming.

I snatched my lunch out from under his hand and took off out of the lunchroom. I flung the flat brown parcel into the rancid dumpster outside and started running as fast as I could to my truck. I could feel my sobs trying to climb out of my throat and at the same time I couldn’t understand why I felt so hysterical.

This sucked. Did he like me or not?

I got to my truck and grabbed my keys out of my backpack and got inside quickly and locked the doors. I slumped down on the seat and let go and just cried until there was a sharp rap-rap-rap on my window. I pulled up my hood to try and hide myself and pretended I didn’t hear.

“Bella!” he hollered. I knew it was Edward.

I sat up and raged at him, “What do you want?” My tears were still coming and I felt like a fucking idiot for crying at school. Everyone would know and it was Edward Cullen’s fault.

Asshole.

“Bella let me in,” he said.

I was so mad that I opened the door and shoved it at him. It hit him in the chest and pushed him away from me a little.

“What Edward? What do you want now?” I yelled. I was still crying and I reached up to shove him away from me.

“Bella what’s the matter? Is this about your lunch? If it is, I brought you something to eat. I’m sorry – I was a jerk… I shouldn’t have smooshed your lunch. Really. I know that was a total dickhead move. I’m sorry Bella…. Come on,” he pleaded. He looked totally contrite.

I narrowed my eyes at him and gave him another shove and then just glared at him.

“I bought you some Crackerjack,” he said. “I saw you throw away your lunch and I didn’t want you to be hungry so I got you this and a soda,” he babbled. “You don’t have to eat it. I don’t even know if you like Dr. Pepper, but I didn’t want you not to have anything.”

“Don’t you ever…” and I jammed my finger in the middle of his chest to emphasize my threat, “Ever squish my lunch again, got it?”

“Okay. I’m sorry,” he said in that pleading tone again.

“Fine,” I said. I snatched the Crackerjack from his hand and opened it. “It better be a good prize and not some crap little compass or cheap plastic thing,” I mumbled.

I sat on the running board of my truck and he stood there, sort of at a loss for words.

“So you forgive me?” he asked, looking at me through his pretty lashes.

“You promise not to do it ever again?” I asked, surveying him skeptically.

“I promise,” he said, crossing his heart with a theatrical gesture.

“Fine,” I said.

“Kiss and make up?” he pushed, a mischevious smile tickling his lips.

“Now? Here?” I said, surprised at his audacity.

“Why not?” he asked. “Are you ashamed to be seen with me Bella?” He sounded defensive.

“No,” I answered.

“So prove it,” he challenged.

“It seems to me that you should be the one doing the proving,” I countered. I reasoned in my head that if he kissed me here at school, then it was pretty definitive that he liked me.

“Fine,” he said. He took the Crackerjack from my hand and set it on the floorboard and then grabbed my hands and pulled me up to stand in front of him. We stood beside the door and he stooped a little to bring his face down to mine.

His lips were soft when I thought they’d be angry or demanding or out to prove something. Instead he was just sweet and perfect and heavenly and I forgot how much I hated him.