August 30, 2010

The dry warmth of Phoenix was a welcome change of pace from the Bay, which had been particularly drizzly in the days before I left.

It was good to see my parents. My mother picked me up from the airport, bubbling over with questions and family news. She had the week planned out, from the relatives we’d host to the pies I’d have to Google recipes for. One thing about my mom: she lived for entertaining but she couldn’t cook or bake for her life.

The ride home from the airport was a little surreal. Things felt different – the houses, the trees, even the colors; it was a lot more sun bleached than what I remembered. It was home, though, and the familiarity of my neighborhood streets soon made my heart ache with nostalgia.

I spent the remainder of the day unpacking and chatting with my mom, and when my dad got home I caught up with him until we both started to nod off. I took a shower and snuggled into bed. My childhood room was pretty generic these days, as most of my personal things were either with me in the Bay or put away in the attic.

I’d texted Edward when I’d landed but by the time I fell asleep he hadn’t responded, to my slight disappointment.

–

My phone was ringing.

I rooted around my purse, hoping it was Edward.

Alice and I were at her house, lounging by the pool. The sun was high in the sky and I’d just rolled onto my stomach when the phone rang.

My heart skipped a beat as I squinted to read the caller ID: Edward.

“Hey,” I said.

“Hey yourself. How’s home?”

“Good. I… missed it more than I realized.”

“I can imagine,” he said.

“How about you? What are you up to today?”

Alice stood, holding out her hand so I’d give her my empty glass. I watched her retreat through the sliding glass doors.

“Working. I’m trying to finish a few things up since we’ll be gone for a couple of days in January,” he replied. I could hear the sound of machinery behind him.

“Makes sense,” I said, adjusting my bathing suit bottom. “So… what were you guys up to last night?”

He chuckled. “Checking up on me?”

“No,” I laughed back. “But you didn’t text back, so…”

“I was out playing pool with Em and Jasper. Rose was with us, actually.”

“Oh, nice.” A twinge of longing pulled at me; I missed him.

“Yeah… listen, I have to go, get a few things done. We’re working through lunch today.”

“All right.” I tried to push away the disappointment. “Thanks for calling back.”

“You don’t have to thank me.”

Why did everything feel so awkward? Ugh, sometimes I hated talking on the phone.

“Bella?”

“Yeah.“

“Sorry I didn’t respond to your message last night.”

“It’s okay.”

“Not really. I should’ve. Anyway, I do have to go now. Have fun with your family, okay?”

“Okay. Miss you,” I said, feeling how acutely underwhelming the sentiment was.

“Miss you too.”

We disconnected and I dropped my phone back into my purse.

Feeling like crying, I stood up, letting the sun kiss me for just a moment before I dove into the cool blue water.

–

My parents were hosting Christmas dinner, so by mid day our home was filled with family and close friends.

One of my cousins had gotten married in the time that I’d been gone. I knew she’d gotten married –we’d all been invited –but they’d done it in Scotland so very few family members had actually attended. Not that I hadn’t tried to finagle a ticket out of my father.

Anyway, Elizabeth was expecting now. I watched in fascination at how different she seemed, her hand often hovering near her already-swelling belly. Her husband was so attentive, too, and what I once would have found clingy and annoying I now found endearing. They were like one unit now, in a really complementary way.

Then there was Bree, a girl I’d grown up with. Her parents and mine had always been close, even when the two of us had grown apart. We’d always been okay, though, despite having different friends in school. After dinner she and I sat around talking and sipping on wine, sharing college stories. Apparently she was dating some amazing guy that she just couldn’t stop going on about. He’d left to visit family out of state but called her all the time.

As I described my relationship with Edward, I couldn’t help but feel like maybe I was missing something. Bree seemed supportive and happy for me, clasping my hands in excitement when I told her the story of how we’d met and all that, but it dimmed in comparison to what she had.

It was dumb; I knew it was. Every relationship is as different and unique as the people in them. I loved who Edward was and for the most part I understood his ways.

But that was part of the problem. I loved him. And I couldn’t tell if he loved me. It had been nearly seven months.

Time tables were arbitrary… but emotions weren’t. I knew how I felt and sometimes his aloofness threw me off. I realized I wanted the attentiveness and the phone calls.

I wanted the hand holding and if that wasn’t who he was then I wanted him to prove to me in other ways we didn’t need it because what we had went beyond it.

He cared about me a lot, that was apparent, but I realized I wanted proof of love.

His Merry Christmas text came later that evening, when I was watching a movie with my parents. My fingertips hovered over the letters but I couldn’t respond. I felt too churned up
inside.

Maybe I was being childish and insensible, who knew. I hadn’t exactly had a lot of men in my life before; the things I’d done and felt with him were mostly firsts for me.

I knew one thing though: if Edward and I were at such different points in our lives that we wanted different things relationship-wise, it might be wise to have The Talk sooner than later.

No matter how much the thought made my stomach hurt.

–

I lay on my back in the backyard, my legs propped up one my mother’s lime tree. After a trip to Florida the year before she’d decided to tropicalize the property with everything from
a tiki bar on the patio to various citrus trees lining the backyard. As kitschy and campy as it had sounded over the phone, I had to admit it was really cute in reality. Very colorful
and welcoming.

“Okay, now give me your other foot,” Alice commanded, tapping my leg.

I carefully lowered my leg and rested it on her lap. She’d gotten a henna set for Christmas and was experimenting on me. It looked fabulous, of course. If I tried to paint something
with henna it would look like a five year old had done it.

“I like it,” I said, wiggling my toes as I admired her handiwork.

“Thanks. So, go on.”

We’d been discussing my recent epiphanies about my relationship with Edward.

“So… I feel like we’ll have to talk about it when I get back.”

“Like on the ski trip?”

“Maybe.” I shrugged. “I don’t want to ruin things… I could wait until we get back afterwards…”

“It doesn’t have to be something horrible,” she said. “You’re good with words and he’s a smart guy. Just… tell him what’s on your mind.”

“Easier said than done.”

“I know,” she sighed. “But if you’re feeling like this it’s going to bug you until you say something. You know that right?”

Nodding, I gazed at the designs on my ankle and foot. Alice was right.

I wanted to get back now more than ever.

“Dude! That was totally gross!” Edward’s worm was so swollen and waterlogged on his fish hook that he went to pull it off and it separated. It was the single nastiest thing I’d ever seen, and it was fucking hilarious.

“I know!”

Edward busted out laughing and I was gonna lose my shit right there on the pier. I hadn’t laughed that hard since Bella slid across the lunch room floor on someone’s spilled lemon meringue pie. The gooey, citrusy, sticky filling was all up her leg and ass. I was glad she hadn’t gotten hurt, but even she had to admit it was funny.

“Emmett!” Edward yelled. “My brother,” he said to me, and I looked up to see a huge guy walking towards us. All pectoral, bicep and quadricep, the guy bore a resemblance to Edward with his eyes, but otherwise looked nothing like him.

“Hey little brother,” Emmett said to Edward, grabbing him in a head lock and knuckling his head before letting him go. Edward obviously didn’t mind as he didn’t fight back, just laughed.

“Em, this is Jasper,” Edward said and I stuck my hand out to shake his, my grip being completely ensconced in his. It was a little disconcerting, his huge hand. Not gonna lie.

“So, you are the famed Jasper,” Emmett said, looking me up and down. “Break her heart, I break your face.”

“Em, cut it out, Jasper’s cool.” Edward said, punching Emmett in the arm, and turning his attention back to his fishing rod. “Alice is the one you need to watch out for.”

“You may be right about that,” Emmett said, his scowl dissolving into laughter. “Dude, you should have seen your face! You were totally gonna cry.” His smile was infectious, and I leaned down to pick up my reel. “I’m just kidding, I don’t really worry too much about Alice. ‘Cause I’m the one who taught her how to fight, so I know what she can do.”

“Nice ink,” I said, trying to get my heart beating again. Emmett freaked me out for a second and even though he was just kidding, there was part of me that decided he wasn’t really kidding all the way.

“No way! Did you get a tattoo?” Edward said, peering over at his brother’s arm. “Mom is going to cut off your balls for that, you know this right?”

“Funny, Alice said the same thing,” Emmett said and Edward and I exchanged a grin.

Damn, my girl’s sassy.

“Gotcha. She didn’t really say that, but she did say mom wasn’t gonna be happy,” Emmett laughed seeing our expressions.

“Why in all of the world did you decide to get a Rose? You’re like a little girl!” Edward teased, casting his line out in to the rough ocean. The tide was coming in and the waves were getting choppy.

“Cause I’ve met the love of my life,” Emmett said, not the slightest bit abashed. “Her name is Rosalie and I’m gonna bring her home for fall break in a few weeks so she can meet you.”

“What’s she like?” I asked, wondering what the girl of someone who looked like Emmett looked like. I couldn’t imagine any girl causing his face to look like that. He was freaking beaming!

“She’s tall and blonde with a body that kills, but her mind is fucking amazing,” Emmett gushed.

“Yeah, right,” snorted Edward, “her mind is what’s got you all hot and bothered.”

“Dude, I’m serious, she is smart and sexy,” he said, “and I am one lucky bastard.” We stood for a second and watched another guy reel in a small stingray. He scooped it up in a net and angled it away from himself while he carefully unhooked the lure from the creature’s mouth before throwing it back in the water.

“Speaking of smart and sexy,” Emmett began again, “I met Bella back at the house. This is the Bella you’ve been texting me about, right?”

“Yeah,” Edward replied, his ears turned a little red, but he kept his eyes on his line and how it angled into the water.

“Tell me about Bella, Jasper. Edward says you guys have been friends forever.”

“Yeah, I’ve known her pretty much my whole life. She’s awesome,” I said.

“Did you guys ever date?” Emmett asked and I noticed Edward tilt his head just a little towards me as if he were interested in this question as well. I was surprised he’d never asked me, everyone assumed we had dated.

“Nah, man, she’s like my sister. I’ve been waiting for your brother here to make an honest woman of her,” I said, clapping Edward on the back.

“What do you mean? He hasn’t asked her out yet?” Emmett looked at Edward incredulously.

“Well, we all go out as a group usually,” Edward hedged. “Besides, what if she doesn’t like me like that?”

“Dude, are you even in the same room when we’re all together? She can’t keep her eyes off you, she’s got it bad…almost as bad as you do,” I said quickly.

“I can’t believe I’ve been hearing about this girl for over a month and you still haven’t asked her out on a one on one?” Emmett shook his head. “Have I taught you nothing?”

“Okay, okay, I’ll ask her out for this weekend, happy?” Edward huffed.

I watched him for another minute and saw a smile take over his features. He turned to me and leaned over, “You really think she’s got it bad?”

“Oh yeah,” I said.

~

I followed Edward and Emmett back to their house because I wanted to see Alice before I had to go home. Unlike Edward, I made my move fast, before anyone else could snatch her up. She was everything I’d ever wanted and I was fast on my way to falling in love with her.

And I was unashamed to say it or show it; maybe Emmett and I had a few things in common.

“Alice,” I said, gathering her tiny frame in my arms, burying my nose in her neck. “Are you a sight for sore eyes, darlin’.”

“Eww, Jazz, you stink,” she said, stepping back from me, but leaning her lips in for a kiss. I couldn’t believe we had only been together for a little over a month.

I watched over her shoulder as Edward walked up to Bella and whispered something in her ear, she immediately looked down with a grin on her face and the anticipated flush creeped up her neck. Emmett stood in the kitchen doorway and just watched with a satisfied smile on his face.

Score.

“Do you think we can spend some time together this weekend,” I whispered in Alice’s ear.

“Of course, but can we do it over here? Emmett’s gotta go back on Sunday and I want to hang out with him as possible,” she said. “Plus, I have to beat him in MarioKart. I’m gonna do it this time.”

“Baby, you know you’re not good at that game,” I said.
“What Hale? You think you’re good?’ Emmett growled.

“Oh, I know I am,” I answered back, unable to contain the grin on my face.

“You are so on,” he laughed. “Saturday. Here.”

“We’ll come by after,” Edward said. “Bella and I have a date.”

He was running, running, running through the land of iniquity. The sky above was royal purple. To the east and west were black voids as dark as light could reveal. All he knew was that he traveled deeper with little hope of return.

No moisture existed to quench his thirst. His heart panted for atmosphere. He was unable to sweat, but he was too cold to suffer exhaustion— up till now.

“Huff… huff…”

The air was thick with ash while nothing burned; nevertheless, the skin on his face had trails of abject abuse. The intrepid man looked pusillanimous by the marks of windswept tears.

Torment stupefied. Survival was to breathe in lines of salty cocaine. In prevalent dualities—right—left—right—left—breathe in—breathe out—breathe in—his attention limited, his emotion gratified by intuitive movement.

A light, final repast lined his pant to husband his energy, but now, it was a ponderous burden. His pockets were too small to hold it, and as pain shot through his spine, his thoughts only focused on the small, round umbrage. It protruded awkwardly and bruised the flesh on his thigh.

“A fractious infection!” he screamed, and then, he removed it.

It was a golden apple. He clinched his teeth in desire, and as he clamped down, he nearly fell over in the process. He found his balance and violently tore through this anodyne like a gladiator upon a strumpet. Yet, it tasted sour. It sapped the remaining spit from his mouth. The juices gushed and frothed under the pressure of his gluttony. It was over in mere moments.

“Rahhh!” he querulously cried, cursing the defective fruit as he tossed it away.

Now, no comfort was left. His rations were sere; his path was shortened. But his anger fueled his progress.

And now, he’d arrived. Eyes were all around: They squinted, widened, flickered. The cries of children emitted in long, plaintive wails; he swallowed the conflagration of sympathy—they’d remain strong or they’d perish. This was the pinnacle of the wasteland.

His foes grinned with a familiar, insatiable hunger.

“You want a bite?” he said, in deep, raspy voice.

The moment of ambrosia had arrived—war. This was the time for the virgin hero; this was the ultimate temptress as her silky gown lightly grazed the floor.

Lightning crackled and his face wielded force.
He felt the rough ground beneath his feet: Good, I will keep the high ground.
He saw their jagged teeth glisten: Perfect, my weapons will be serrated.
He heard the cackles of monsters: How fortunate that a lullaby will sustain my rest.
He smelled the decay of bodies: Wonderful—my fate awaits me, just as I’d suspected.

This fight was no malediction—it was only the decay of the world.